Screaming on the Inside

This is one of those journeys in life where I want to be in control and fix things. It’s also where I know that being in control is merely an illusion.

Several family members are going through trials. My husband is one of them and it doesn’t seem to let up. It’s also winter and that doesn’t help. My other family members are so far away and I’m not able to get down to see them and pitch in to help. It’s what I’ve nearly always been able to do.

Mom’s primary helper since I moved north is going to be needing support soon. My sister is going to be there for a few days to help. My son can also help after work or on weekends. Brother is married and will have help.

I cry a little at a time. It’s not depression. It’s that everything to me seems out of control at the moment and I hate that. I want to see Mom, my siblings and my son. I want to help.

I’m getting a bit cranky for what seems like no reason at all. Husband knows why. He just misses my smile.

I miss church. We just never know how we’re going to feel physically until we get up Sunday mornings. Last Sunday we were so excited to go, but the car battery was dead. The one in his car was dead as well.

My big outings for now are groceries on Saturday, hopefully church on Sunday and doctor appointments. That’s it! We’re officially old!!

Things will get better. I pray daily for all my loved ones to be healthy once again. I should probably pray that I don’t scream aloud or I’ll be fitted with a pretty pink jacket that ties in the back.

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