Grieving

We had a lovely time at Christmas and I was able to get to church for the pageant. It lifted my spirits. We had fun with the little ones and I was able to speak to my family back home.

Since Christmas hubby has had his first gel injection for his knee. He will have two more soon. It should help lessen the pain so he can walk again. He also had his repeat MRIs of his neck and brain. When we saw his PCP today he had the report. There are no new lesions but Doc said it looks like MS and be prepared in case the neurologist wants to do a lumbar puncture.

It’s starting to sink in for us both. I have had moments when I just want to blubber. I haven’t yet. I believe I’m grieving. I’ve grieved many deaths but this is different. I’m grieving the fun we were having early in our young marriage. He hasn’t been to his Mom’s house since early October. We don’t go out to eat or take advantage of the small town happenings. I don’t want to go alone.

I haven’t seen my family in 19 months. Mom calls. I miss my family. I am so tired but it’s more emotional than physical. I have no problem falling asleep at night. I’m not rising early lately. One morning I slept until 9:45 a.m. That never happened before.

I’m also apprehensive. I don’t know what to expect. I imagine the neurologist will give us some resources. First we need to know what type of MS it is after the official diagnosis. Hopefully there is treatment. He’s 67 and there’s not a lot of information online about those diagnosed after age 50. We’re on the easternmost part of the island and the closest support group is more than an hour away by interstate. It’s a 30 minute drive to get to the interstate.

Do I need to get a walker? Will we need a handicap ramp? We’ll need to remodel the bathroom to have a step-in shower with safety rails rather than a tub. If a wheelchair is in the future I’ll need to measure for the proper width to get in and out of the house. My head is spinning.

I’ve loved this man since I was 21 years old. We had a gap of more than 30 years before we reconnected. I’m not leaving him. That’s not in my DNA.

I’m hopeful the knee will improve enough that we can drive south to see family. We just can’t make plans.

I miss my husband being healthy and having fun together. I miss my family and don’t know when I’ll be able to see them again. I have no one here to help unless someone from church can when I need the extra hand.

In the meantime we await answers. Still.

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