Sad

I am sad today for many reasons.

My son has a milestone birthday next month. I bought him a nice present and planned to mail it in about three weeks. It’s another birthday I am missing because hubby is unable to travel due to his health. I feel as if I’m letting my son down. He did give me the green light to remarry and move away but I thought I’d be able to visit at least twice a year.

Hubby has an undiagnosed illness. For two years the doctors have suspected he has late onset multiple sclerosis. At his last exam he could not command his leg to lift. The neurologist said, “MS does not act like that!”. The MRI reports to my untrained eye show impingement of nerves in his neck and lower spine. Either of these could explain his symptoms. He cannot walk. He has borrowed a wheelchair so he can maneuver about the house without my assistance. It seems to help. His next appointment is September 2nd. In the interim we’ve been told no news is good news. I disagree. I see a difference between the previous MRIs and the most recent. We should have received a call regardless.

I had hoped hubby would have a diagnosis and/or treatment so I could go home for a visit. It’s been more than two years now since I’ve seen my family and I have not seen my youngest sister in three years. The plan would have been for hubby to stay with his daughter so I could visit if he could not go with me. Her new house is on one level and one guest room has it’s own bathroom.

It seems now my son may not be home for his birthday. He works long hours and occasionally is called to travel. I miss him so much. I feel as though I’ve let him down too many times since his dad died. I have a bad case of Mom guilt. He was only eleven when his dad died. I was 37. I did my best but I often wonder if that was enough.

I’ll feel better later. I’m so frustrated not being able to see my family and not having answers for hubby. Today I am just sad.

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