Oh The Blues

I have a bad case of the blues. My therapist is aware.

My Uncle William passed away at the age of 91. He was Mom’s last surviving brother. He’ll be missed.

It makes me sad. I cannot get down there to see family and grieve together. We can drive down, but getting into either house to visit is not possible. I have tried checking into short term care so I can take a week off, but I’m striking out. There are drawbacks to living in a small town.

I am continuing with therapy. He feels I am handling the ordeal with the intruder very well, with a take charge mind set.

Dealing with MS is another matter. While he is healthy today (MS normal), I am awaiting the other shoe to drop. I told Hubby about it and he feels the same way. Losing me would break his heart and he would no longer have someone who knows and loves him being his caregiver.

I still need a break. I am working outdoors some days. When the mower brakes arrive, our handy guy will come over and replace the belt and brakes for us. Hopefully, that is the end of the tractor issues.

The shoulder is better after an injection. Next week, I will have the first gel injection of my knee. I pray that helps.

New windows will be installed in about two months. Painting the house exterior may have to wait until spring. We’ll also have the driveway re-paved. That should take care of things for a while. I am expecting a call from the MS Navigator on Monday about getting help covering the cost of a split adjustable bed with mattress.

Fun with MS.

Health, Crime and Hope

The past few months have been crazy.

Our flooded mess of a basement is now healthy, clean and usable as a living space. What a blessing.

Hubby was hospitalized four times from the end of March through the first week of June. He was septic at least twice and nearly died. He’s finally stable. It’s been a month since his last admission.

I am still dealing with PTSD, a bad shoulder and a bad knee. Fun times. So much for the golden years.

The felon in our case (who came to this house at least twice), was paroled today. I was shaken. I decided to check out the DHS Vine site and registered for phone notifications. If there is any change in his status, I will be notified. He’s officially listed as being in ICE custody.

Things are beginning to look up. We’re excited to get things done around here to beautify the space and to get things organized.

To know the felon is no longer on the streets is a huge relief. It is also giving me permission to cry. I will see my therapist Thursday. It should be an interesting session.

I Just Can’t…

So much has happened since Christmas and I’m ready for a break.

There were multiple delays on getting the house repaired. The bathroom is finally fixed and they will return next week to continue working on the basement.

Where to start…I had a call from the District Attorney’s office about our perp/perv. As it turns out, they lumped our case in with the other family’s felony case. He pleaded guilty to the charges in our case and was sentenced as a lump sum to 1-3 years in prison. I was NEVER informed of this. If he is denied early release in May, he will be released in September 2026. Our order of protection is good until April 2029. Our order of protection is no longer “temporary” so I’ve asked for a new copy. IF he’s here illegally, I imagine he will be deported. I really don’t know his status.

I began seeing a psychotherapist (no shame in getting mental health addressed, people). We are early in this, so I’ll be updating him Thursday if I can get a ride to my appointment. That leads me to…

My car’s brakes began grinding and the engine light is solid. Our mechanic was not open Friday so I’ll call Monday. To have a vehicle, I went out to check the tires on our wheelchair van. I had a brain fart and tried to back it up with the driver’s door open. The tree stopped that. I can close the door, but it’s open at the top. I have it secured for the upcoming snow and will take it in on Monday for an estimate. If it’s a quick fix, they’ll take care of it then. If not, I’ll get it scheduled.

I want to cry. My shoulder has been hurting nearly non-stop since late November. I cannot receive more injections until late June. It feels fractured, but it’s arthritis and a shoulder impingement. I cannot take a break since I have no help and Hubby requires almost total care. He has his mind. His legs are paralyzed. He cannot feel his hands. He is in pain during the night. Sometimes I have to feed him due to his not having control of his hands on a particular day.

My last break was August 2021. My little Sis came by train for a brief visit. My son came by in October since he was temporarily working upstate.

I speak with my family on Zoom once a week.

The re-fi for the house should be done soon and we can get railings for the patio, desperately needed windows and perhaps the driveway done since it’s cracking. We hope to have a painting party in the spring to put on a new coat of paint (not done in 20 years). The interior needs, not wants, will have to wait a while.

I have hit a wall and I keep trying to push forward. I’m 70 years old. I am in constant pain. I don’t have a chance to sleep during the night due to Hubby needing to be turned. Sometimes I can catch a nap during the day, but not always.

It’s just one straw too many.

I really hate Multiple Sclerosis!!! It is evil. It has stolen so much from Hubby and I have to pick up the slack.

Now to get ready for more snow. They say 1-3 inches, but I’ll rely on the “look out the window” method of forecasting.

Am I Special?

A little background for this title.

Yesterday afternoon, Hubby made the decision to go to the ER. That is HUGE. He was feeling “off”. He was sick to his stomach and felt clammy. He also thought he was reaching for a cup on his lap that was not there.

We were at the ER for about seven hours. He had two CT scans; one to rule out a stroke and one to check his kidneys. They ran a ton of labs. They were told of the MS diagnosis, but we’re at the point where we do not know what is MS related or what is “normal” sickness.

He is paralyzed. His Hoyer sling was still in his wheelchair. The staff brought in a Hoyer lift to get him on the bed.

I was asked many times by the nursing staff and the Nurse Practitioner if I have help at home. I told them I do not. They were amazed that I dress him, put him in the sling and transfer him to and from the wheelchair by myself.

I do not find that unusual. I am southern tough. I do what needs to be done. I am also tired. When asked why I do not have Home Health, I explained that they either do not come this far east, do not take our insurance or they are understaffed.

So, does that make me special because I do what needs to be done for my husband? I love him and he loves me.

He heard someone singing, “God Bless the Broken Road” and he had tears. He said he would sing that for me. He said he would write so many songs for me if he could. He can barely hold the guitar these days. He can barely write. This is especially cruel for a singer/songwriter.

We still take one day at a time. I was amazingly calm at the ER. My sister-in-law came in around 8 p.m. and kept me company.

We were exhausted when we finally got home and he had a rough night, but this entire day has been wonderful.

I thank God for my husband, my family and extended family and friends. MS is a royal pain where a pill cannot reach, but it will NOT kill our love.

Legal Limbo

Believe it or not, the felony case is still active. The next date for that family is Dec 13, 2023. Our case is in discovery and I should hear from the defense attorney on that. Just knowing he will call or email triggered me.

My husband is paralyzed. I stay up longer than he does and I will roll him to his right and from there, he can hold me. That’s the only way we can hold one another. I feel safe.

I keep my phone nearby and the security camera will ping at the least little thing. Hubby says he’ll keep watch and listen for any odd sounds. He normally cat naps, but I asked him not to avoid sleep because of me. I have my bat and two phones.

Our perpetrator is in custody. The house is secure. I have not had as many anxiety attacks the past week. It had gotten so bad, my sister suggested EMDR. I may still look into that since this is not my first trauma. I have not dealt with any of them and that is not a good thing.

My sweetie is watching television right now. His main complaint today is a great deal of difficulty using his hands.

He wonders why I love him and put up with him. I fell in love with him in 1976. We found one another again in 2009 and married in 2016. I bought him a travel mug for Christmas…”You’re the best thing I ever found on the internet”. How true.

All in all, today is a good day. I have a lot of shoulder pain, but I am doing well.

I am ready to get my mental health moving in the proper direction and getting the court business behind me. For that to happen, the court business must begin in our case.

Oy!

Terrified

I am not thinking logically. I am terrified of someone who invaded our home, but was not armed as far as we know. I chased him out of our house that night.

He is in custody about an hour’s drive from here. I am to be notified by three different ways if for any reason he leaves custody.

Our ADA was to meet with his lawyer in court on October 20, 2023. I have not yet heard an update on that. The other family has a felony case against him and that next appearance is Oct 26, 2023.

I have cameras. I have locks. The two back doors are locked and the two front doors are locked. Windows are closed. Family can no longer just walk in. It shocks them a little, but they understand.

My second cousin died in a tent fire yesterday. I had not seen him in decades. He was homeless and kept returning to the land where his family once lived. He had some mental health issues. People tried to help him. They really did.

Yes, I am also trying to process my husband’s MS. I just could not adult today.

I went to the store for elastic. They did not have any, but I found other items I needed. I then went for kitty therapy at the local shelter. That did a world of good. The one that was craving my attention would swipe or growl at any cat that came remotely close to me. This kitty would not be a good fit in our home, but she was very sweet to me. We may not be able to have another cat with everything else going on. It is a sad thing.

Perhaps I ended counseling just a little soon. She said it could very well be PTSD due to other trauma in my life.

I want some sense of normalcy and happiness again. My chest is tight right now. If you pray, please include me. I am NOT a danger to myself, but I do need a mental vacation.

Steps Forward

We received a Hoyer lift through the MS Society. Hubby has been hesitant to transfer to the shower chair with it until today.

We did very well. Hubby had his first real shower in more than 18 months. The first thing he wanted scrubbed was his hair. The hot water did not exacerbate his condition. He’s been talking about that shower all day long. It beats the sponge baths. I am so happy for him.

We also heard from the Victim’s Advocate. The suspect in our case will be in court on a felony charge against another family soon. The suspect will have a court proceeding in our case on Oct 20, 2023. I suppose that is when they will decide if there will be a plea deal or if a trial date will be scheduled.

IF this goes to trial in our case, I can have the victim’s advocate with me. I may also take my husband or pastor along. It’s a small court room.

With counseling, I am much better. I am less anxious. I am less terrified. I have not had a nightmare in several days. I am still angry and I would like some answers. He was not armed when he was arrested.

I will choose to live my life being careful, but not captive to fear. I want this done. If convicted, I hope he gets the maximum sentences available under the laws of this state.

More Stress

Here is a bit of a re-cap:

Last month, I was awakened to my leg being touched. I thought it was Hubby but he cannot roll without assistance.

I looked over the side of my bed and there was a man on the floor with his finger to his mouth telling me to Shhh. I screamed that there was someone in our house. I then became angry and told him to get out of our house! He took his time leaving and I followed him as far as the back door where I saw him on the deck.

This house was built in 1980 and never had a locked door. I went to the hardware store shortly after it opened and bought a lockset and installed it myself. I also ordered a security camera online and installed that.

Would you believe that guy returned Labor Day weekend? I was watching television when my phone pinged. It was a motion alert and I saw him on the camera peeking through the door’s window. I took a screenshot and called 911. They did not find him.

The following Tuesday as we prepared to leave for an appointment, a detective arrived and asked if I could come down to the police station and give statements and ID a photo. He was in custody!!!

His arraignment is tomorrow. The DA will make sure we have a full coverage type of protective order. I realize it’s just a piece of paper, but it’s a record. I checked out his name online. He does have previous arrests. I will be called after the arraignment. He confessed to police to both intrusions at our house, but tomorrow is a plea day. We’ll see.

I am a caregiver. My husband is unable to protect me or himself in his condition. That may come into play should there be a trial where he is found guilty. I will provide a statement.

I know I must forgive him so I am no longer tied to this trauma, but I am not quite there. It is for my benefit and not his.

Even if you live in a small, safe town; take precautions. He may be a unicorn in this sense, but we all need to be aware of our surroundings.

Blessed and In Love

Dealing with Hubby’s MS just 2 1/2 years into our marriage was unexpected. He progressed quickly. Now seven years into our marriage, he is wheelchair bound, has a difficult time controlling his hands to eat or drink and has difficulty sitting upright.

I fell in love with him in 1976. It was a long distance relationship. I found out several months later that he was dating a local girl. It broke my heart.

He married her in May 1977. I married my first husband also in May 1977. We have a wonderful son. Current Hubby has two wonderful kids and four grandkids.

We’re dealing with so much right now with the home invasion and trying to get him equipment to help us both. I have just suspended physical therapy. The new equipment for Hubby should help my shoulder to heal. It will take the strain of transferring him off us both.

We normally awaken each morning with a song in our brains. It’s a fun way to begin the day.

He told me this morning again just how much he loves me. He did not choose me in 1976, although he said this morning that I was the complete package.

That meant so much. I was very naive back then and he was still a little wild, but I did love him. I regret trashing his love letters, but I kept one cassette of his music.

Don’t get me wrong. I loved my first husband intensely. He died before his 41st birthday…just 4 days before, and 8 weeks before our 15th anniversary. We have a wonderful, wonderful son. He is funny, highly intelligent and has a great love for his family.

Hubby depends on me for so much and sometimes I put limits on what we can and cannot do. He found some things we can investigate through the local library. There are a few excursions that sound like a lot of fun, so we may go ahead and sign up for them. We still have a gift card for lunch at a local seafood restaurant.

I really am blessed. I have had two great loves as far as marriage goes. I am blessed with a wonderful family. I miss them.

I am thankful that Hubby speaks his mind because it is so easy to slip into caregiver mode and forget that I am a person with feelings and not a robot. He reminds me that I am greatly loved and appreciated. His Mom thanks me for what I do for her baby boy.

It is so easy to complain about the unfairness of Multiple Sclerosis, but I am reminded of a meme I once saw: Bloom where you are planted.

I am thankful and blessed.

Violated

A few mornings ago and before daylight, I felt my knee being touched/caressed. It couldn’t be my husband since he cannot roll from side to side.

I looked over the edge of my side of the bed to see a 20-something young man lying on the floor. He put his finger to his lips to imply “shhh”. I began screaming there was somebody in our room. Hubby thought I was dreaming. I kept screaming. I then got really angry and said “Get out of our house!!” That’s when Hubby realized it was real and he yelled also. He saw a crouched shadow leaving our room and heard the hall floor creak.

The creep hunched over as he got out of our room. I got out of bed and attempted to follow him, turning on lights as I went.

As I turned on the kitchen light, I saw he was on the deck, walking slowly away. I slammed the back door shut and called 911 and reported what happened and what he was wearing.

The lights in the house remained on and the stove was pushed in front of the back door. In 40 years, the back door has not had a lock. It does now.

There has been no update in the investigation in two days. Friday night I wasn’t afraid until it was time to turn the lights out. I was terrified.

Yesterday, I was angry. We’ve ordered security products. Today, I want to cry.

This is a rural-ish small town. Crime of the day is normally drunk driving. This is not like the town I grew up in. We stop in traffic to allow mama duck and her babies to cross. Doors aren’t locked. Windows are left open.

I hate that I’m allowing that creep to destroy my sense of security.

We are already dealing with Hubby’s MS. We don’t need this crap.