Head to Desk

We should be calling soon to schedule the lumbar puncture for hubby. We’re both feeling very discouraged and wonder if it’s a touch of depression. His health is pretty much the same. He has problems with that left leg, MS hug and fatigue. He said he can deal with the hand neuropathy. To him that’s minor. Dressing is challenging but mostly with the left sock.

I worry about him. He worries about me. Right now if we only dealt with MS we would be fine. Seriously. We’re being Murphied as in Murphy’s Law. There was a leak for a week into the cellar from the area near the toilet. No leaks on the main floor. I’ve been hauling water outside when the shop vac fills up. There are buckets over half the area of my laundry room in the cellar. Joe fixed the toilet and we thought that was it. WRONG! The water pump was running continuously and the leaks came back. We shut the water off before bed. We’ll call Joe again tomorrow and show him the cellar.

That stresses me out and it stresses hubby. He could fix that before MS. He doesn’t want me stressed. He feels so badly for me. He calls me his real life angel because he wonders who would take care of him if I wasn’t here. I’ve loved this man since I was 21 and he wasn’t even my type. We’ve been married since 2016. Half our marriage has been dealing with what they are now sure is MS.

He wants to see if he can get home health daily for a week so I can go home and see my family. I’d love that. I was hoping he could go as well. We’ll see what shakes out.

It’s so difficult for people to understand what MS entails. It’s different for every patient. A shower is a huge deal for him so we’re going to get estimates soon and have someone install a walk in shower. It exhausts him for hours. I bought rinseless gloves for washing him up and rinseless shampoo.

Sleep is his favorite time because he feels better when he gets up in the morning. When fatigue sets in, it’s sudden and complete. I liken it to removing a battery from a running car. He’s got nuthin’ in an instant.

I was folding clothes in the bedroom and just started crying. I don’t know if it’s grief or depression. I’ll reach out to caregiver support. It’s common and the symptoms are spot on for the most part. I told hubby if he needs to cry, let it loose and I’ll cry with him. Afterward we can finish off the chocolate covered strawberries. Gotta keep that weird humor. We both have it. God help us!


In the Wilderness

Our pastor touched on having wildernesses throughout our lives. I’ve had quite a few. Sometimes it’s my personal wilderness and other times I’m on the outside looking in while someone I love goes through their own.

My first major wilderness was when my first husband died. We were living 1100 miles from family when he contracted bacterial meningitis. Our son was 11 years old and hubby died a few days later. I was lost but had a young son to raise. By not feeling the grief (to protect my son), I fell into depression and anger which lasted 17 years. I finally had to reach out for serious help because I gave up on life. Things turned around a few months later and I was happy again for the first time in many years.

Other trials were when my Pop died after being sick for two years but with no diagnosis until near the end of his life. A few months later, my then boyfriend told me he had cancer. He’s now six years cancer free.

Currently, several family members are sick. Two siblings are ill and both are easily treatable. My young niece is going through her own wilderness with her health as is her entire family. Hubby has been in chronic pain for a year. I am “run down”.

Life is never easy. The thing with wildernesses is they are finite. This too shall pass…maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass. (I’ve not found an author to credit for this).

I am a woman of faith, yet all these things happening so close together sure test that faith. It reminds me God is still in control and that I never was. If life was easy, I would probably always rely on my own strength.

Wildernesses will come and go, but you don’t have to go through them alone. Reach out to someone you trust. If you believe in prayer, pray and have others pray for you. In my experiences throughout my many years of life, I find there’s always sunshine just around the corner. Always.