I’ve been feeling a bit weary of late. I believe it’s the accumulation of a pandemic, missing my family and grieving what hubby and I had in the first half of our marriage. We’ve now been married four years and we’re “elderly” according to the medical folks.

When we married, I left my home state and traveled far from my family. I miss them tremendously.

We had a rule early on. One person cooks and the other cleans the mess. It was fun. He loved to cook. I do not. I now do everything.

We used to attend free summer concerts in town, parades and festivals. Sometimes we would go to one of the many beaches and do a little clamming. We sailed or at least spent time on the boat relaxing. We visited his Mom once a week. We also attended holiday dinners with family. We traveled so I could see family. I’ve been home twice in three years. When hubby went home with me in 2018 he was in constant pain and apologized to Mom. She understood. She said Pop was in constant pain. We still do not have a diagnosis. He could walk back then. Hubby is now barely mobile so his big outing is sitting on the deck or seeing a doctor.

I do not regret marrying him. I love him and will do whatever I am capable of doing to help him. I have offered to cut his hair and/or trim the beard enough so it can be shaved but he has this fear of me holding something sharp so close to his carotid arteries. Can’t imagine why.

We make the effort to find something humorous in all this. Some days are more successful than others. One thing that is evident to anyone who sees us (from a safe distance) is that we are committed to one another and our love is forever.

He does not always ask for help when he needs it because he does not want to be a burden. I do not mind most days. Sometimes I’m just tired. I’m the one getting medical help now. It’s minor and something I inherited from Pop so I’m getting it taken care of. We’re both due for routine appointments in July. Our doctor left the big hospital affiliation. The best part of that is he’ll be 3 miles away instead of 17.

I’m grieving what Multiple Sclerosis or whatever it is is doing to him and to us. Once we have a proper diagnosis I can gather resources and see about how to properly modify the bathroom or have the town build a handicap ramp. I have forms for the doctor to fill out but we need the diagnosis.

We still wait. Psalm 46: Be still and KNOW I am God. God truly knows my patience meter shattered more than a year ago. Praying for answers.


My Heart Breaks

These are tough times. It’s made more difficult seeing my husband struggle every day and be in pain every single day. Maybe the weather is making his pain worse right now but it breaks my heart.

He’s not convinced just yet that he has Multiple Sclerosis but most of the symptoms point in that direction. He has the foot drop, pain across his abdomen, back pain, loss of fine touch in his hands, brain fog and inability to lift his left leg most days.

He feels he’s a burden to me. He is not. Is it harder for me to do certain things without help? Of course it is. I would love help cleaning up the yard of debris but the town has postponed picking it up indefinitely due to the pandemic so I have some time. I would love to get the deck repaired and stained. We will have to hire that out. The bathroom needs to be redone to accommodate his limitations such as a step-in shower and perhaps replace the hinges on the bathroom door with those that extend and gives him more room to get the rollator in there.

Sunday afternoon may be a good yard day. Monday is a good day as well but his Mom may need to go to the bank then. I can also check her yard and see if it needs mowing yet. We’ll wear our masks to be safe for one another and our loved ones. We don’t want Hubby to get sick.

I just want to cry. He’s in bed right now. He doesn’t hurt as badly when he’s in bed. I can’t help him. I do my best to make things easier for him. He’s on a new medication for inflammation. This medication is slow to act so it may be three months before he notices any change. Rheumatologist saw something in his labs so yet another medication. We need the three main doctors to have a conference and let us know what they think he has. He sees his PCP in two weeks so we’ll designate him as the quarterback in this journey.

He’s excited that he may be able to get on the deck for a few minutes and enjoy the outdoors. If he felt safe enough to get into the car, I could drive him to the beach to at least look out over the Bay. Only residents are allowed on the beaches right now. My family back home are having restrictions lifted already. We cannot.

I will head out for groceries Saturday. I still have to be so careful. We are in a small town which has already begun to see an early “high season” with tourists coming in. We have two grocery stores. Shopping for food is a major challenge. I’ll wear my mask and take my clorox wipe to clean the grocery cart handle.

I’m stressed. I’m not the only one. We’re all stressed at one time or another. I miss my family. I worry about them all. Zoom is wonderful.

Eight years ago today my Pop died. I miss him every day. He was my hero. I’m sure that pain is also why my heart is breaking.

I’m not depressed. I am sad and in need of a break for me but especially for hubby. I wonder if he’s scared but I don’t ask. Sometimes it seems this is advancing so fast. A year ago he was able to drive the lawn tractor/trailer to the edge of the yard. Lately he cannot manage to get down the hall with a rollator.

My heart is breaking. Please God guide us.