My Heart Breaks

These are tough times. It’s made more difficult seeing my husband struggle every day and be in pain every single day. Maybe the weather is making his pain worse right now but it breaks my heart.

He’s not convinced just yet that he has Multiple Sclerosis but most of the symptoms point in that direction. He has the foot drop, pain across his abdomen, back pain, loss of fine touch in his hands, brain fog and inability to lift his left leg most days.

He feels he’s a burden to me. He is not. Is it harder for me to do certain things without help? Of course it is. I would love help cleaning up the yard of debris but the town has postponed picking it up indefinitely due to the pandemic so I have some time. I would love to get the deck repaired and stained. We will have to hire that out. The bathroom needs to be redone to accommodate his limitations such as a step-in shower and perhaps replace the hinges on the bathroom door with those that extend and gives him more room to get the rollator in there.

Sunday afternoon may be a good yard day. Monday is a good day as well but his Mom may need to go to the bank then. I can also check her yard and see if it needs mowing yet. We’ll wear our masks to be safe for one another and our loved ones. We don’t want Hubby to get sick.

I just want to cry. He’s in bed right now. He doesn’t hurt as badly when he’s in bed. I can’t help him. I do my best to make things easier for him. He’s on a new medication for inflammation. This medication is slow to act so it may be three months before he notices any change. Rheumatologist saw something in his labs so yet another medication. We need the three main doctors to have a conference and let us know what they think he has. He sees his PCP in two weeks so we’ll designate him as the quarterback in this journey.

He’s excited that he may be able to get on the deck for a few minutes and enjoy the outdoors. If he felt safe enough to get into the car, I could drive him to the beach to at least look out over the Bay. Only residents are allowed on the beaches right now. My family back home are having restrictions lifted already. We cannot.

I will head out for groceries Saturday. I still have to be so careful. We are in a small town which has already begun to see an early “high season” with tourists coming in. We have two grocery stores. Shopping for food is a major challenge. I’ll wear my mask and take my clorox wipe to clean the grocery cart handle.

I’m stressed. I’m not the only one. We’re all stressed at one time or another. I miss my family. I worry about them all. Zoom is wonderful.

Eight years ago today my Pop died. I miss him every day. He was my hero. I’m sure that pain is also why my heart is breaking.

I’m not depressed. I am sad and in need of a break for me but especially for hubby. I wonder if he’s scared but I don’t ask. Sometimes it seems this is advancing so fast. A year ago he was able to drive the lawn tractor/trailer to the edge of the yard. Lately he cannot manage to get down the hall with a rollator.

My heart is breaking. Please God guide us.

2 thoughts on “My Heart Breaks

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