Feeling Down

I should be happy. My sister came through an unexpected surgery today for another post cancer complication. Hubby’s birthday was yesterday and we had a visit today from his little grandson. His daughter brought a small cake.

After the visit Hubby was down probably because he had to hold onto the wall as he went to the bathroom. We have two more weeks before his neuro appointment. He doesn’t want more tests. He just wants to walk. He doesn’t want a more sturdy cane or walker unless he has no other option.

This hurts me. I can’t help my husband. I wasn’t there for my sister. I miss my family. I pray daily. It’s been two years of no answers. I’m not a patient person so by now I should be on my way to sainthood.

I see the doctor Monday. Everything will probably just spill out.

I just feel helpless. I should be happy.

Feeling Lost in the Desert and Wishing It Was Dessert

It seems the other medical issue that could also explain Hubby’s symptoms is not in play. It looks like we’re back to the possibility of MS and his next neurology appointment is the week before Thanksgiving. If a test is recommended or ordered, we will insist that it be done soon. We are now at two years of not knowing what’s wrong.

Since February of this year I do nearly everything. He does the bills and he will struggle to the kitchen for another cup of coffee so as not to ask me to do it. I buy pods so he can do it himself since his hands tingle and he can’t trust his grip.

I think I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m so tired of not knowing what this is. He feels the same. We’ve made a commitment to be totally honest in how we feel. I know he hates not being able to help. Sometimes I need to cry and I’ve avoided doing it in front of him. I won’t do that any longer. I’ll cry when I need to.

We’ve been married just under 3 1/2 years. Most of our married life has been dealing with this. We no longer go to his hometown to tour a tall ship, attend parades, attend summer concerts on the lawn. We didn’t even make it next door when our neighbor had his end of summer party. I go to the bank, the store and church. I try to get him to his Mom’s once a week. Otherwise, we go out for doctor appointments. That’s our new normal.

He wonders if a wheelchair is in his future and frets it’s something else for me to deal with. I say we wait and see what the diagnosis is and what the specialist recommends.

I last saw my family in mid-July 2018. Mom is 87 years old. Two siblings are dealing with “early” cancer. I miss my son.

I don’t have friends here. I don’t get out. I’ll chat with ladies at church when I am able to go but I don’t have friends. I just feel so alone and isolated. I love my husband. I love my family. I pray and ask others to pray for us. Just seems like an endless journey and we don’t even know what the destination is.

Feeling so lost and alone but not quite depressed. Discouraged.

Sigh…

We said goodbye to our kitty Wednesday night. I saw him take his last breaths as he lay under a covered deck chair. He had refused food but kept drinking. His eyes were bright. He had started to be a little more distant, hiding under the table or a corner of a room. He was 16 or 17 years old and Hubby had had him since he was a kitten. I met him nearly 10 years ago and was around him full time for the past three years.

Mr. Mats reluctantly accepted me once he figured I was not going away. This house after all had been a bachelor pad for a while. He was Matsie, Big Guy, Furball and Kee-cat. He was an indoor/outdoor kitty. When outdoors he wanted to be left alone. I guess he was protecting his rep.

He liked to sleep on one of the couches (had a bed, box and warm mat). We’d be up watching television and Mr. Mats would sit and give us evil looks. HE was tired and HE wanted his spot so HE could go to bed, whichever spot he’d choose on a particular night. It would make us laugh until we cried.

There were times when he wanted to come in and we didn’t hear him, so he’d make his way to the top of the window air conditioner and meow. Of course there were the dirty looks when his food dish was less than half full and times when he’d sit on top of his automatic feeder as a subtle hint. He’d even say “ow-wow” when he wanted his afternoon snack.

I’ve put away his water fountain and automatic feeder. I took an unopened box of canned food back to the store. The shelter just takes dry food. I have leftover treats and I’ll offer them to my sister-in-law. I think she has five cats.

I still have the litter box to empty and clean. His blanket is downstairs ready to be washed. Toys and his extra bed will be boxed up along with his brush.

Maybe in the spring when we’ve healed a bit we’ll get a kitten and we’ll check the shelter first.

I miss Furball so much. I’ve gone to the back door so many times in the past few days to see if he wants to come in and then I remember. I’ll never forget Matsui, Mr. Mats, Big Guy, Furball, Kee-cat. House seems so quiet.

Moments of Joy

We’ve been focused on the possibility of MS for several months now and symptoms fit for the most part. However recent labs and repeat labs show a different issue. Now we’re to see an endocrinologist. This is a good thing. If this is all about body chemistry being out of balance we’ll be thankful but also angry at losing two years of health.

Weather is starting to cool a little and that helps hubby. That’s a blessing. Our neighbor had someone attack part of a downed tree out back near the property line. Another blessing.

We went to see his Mom yesterday. It was difficult for hubby to get to the porch from the car (50 feet). Poor Mama George was unable to wash clothes and figured it was a problem for her eldest daughter to handle since she is the one who bought the washer last year. I found the manual and immediately went to the troubleshooting page. It wasn’t filling with water so I figured a clogged filter or something. She showed me the lights on the washer. It was set for drain/spin. The dial was most likely bumped as she put the plants back on the washer top.

I changed the dial to another setting and it worked on a small blanket, but she had tried five times before to run the machine on the wrong setting (bad eyesight) so the washer was still filled with suds. One more try and it was perfect. She called later and said, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She now has clean clothes and she’s happy.

It was a welcomed bit of sunlight in what’s been a stressful two years with a chronically ill hubby, now recovered sister and brother, declining senior kitty and being away from family for so long. I finally had control over something even if it was just a washing machine. I’ll take it!

Betwixt and Between

Still a rough year. Still no diagnosis. Neurologist says it’s probably multiple sclerosis. Husband is not convinced but still thinks it’s a demyelinating disease of some sort. He wobbles when he walks. The bad discs he has are not in play apparently.

I’ve not seen my family in nearly 14 months. My son will be 5 1/2 hours away for just over a week but won’t be able to stop even for a short visit. So much going on back home and I can’t help. I miss them so much.

We didn’t even make it to his sister’s for a bbq. He had no energy at all today. I’m just down and that makes him sad also. It’s not his fault. He’s also sad because his pain is somewhere around an 8.

If I cry I try to do it when he’s already in bed or if I’m mowing our acre. Mowing on the tractor remains great therapy. I pray often. I’m just weary.

I can’t keep up with what I want to get done. Every time I get the yard somewhat straight, another tree or limbs fall. It’s never ending. I guess I’m becoming more like Mom and Grandma. I’d rather work outside.

I want answers and I want them a year ago. I’m tired of not knowing. I like to know what I’m facing so I can gather my resources. In the meantime I journal and I joined an online MS support group even though we don’t yet know if it’s MS.

I now have Medicare. Time to take care of myself and see about joining a gym that offers Silver Sneakers so I can maintain my health.

Prayers are very much appreciated.

Limbo

It’s now been 20 months without a diagnosis for hubby. We see another specialist tomorrow. We should also get test results soon. He has difficulty just walking across a room.

Our big day out is once a week to his Mom’s so I can mow her lawn. Her grandson can no longer do it. I also mow our acre. I drive eight miles to the bank and do the shopping alone. I do it all for now.

We have gift certificates for dinner out and an overnight stay nearby but all the rooms are upstairs and there isn’t an elevator. Maybe we can go before the end of the year or return the certificates to the kids so they can enjoy going if we cannot.

We’ve been married three years now. I last saw my family July of last year. I miss them so much. Mom has outpatient surgery soon. I want to go home for a visit but we have to get him well. That’s a very long drive for him and I don’t want to leave him for a week. I don’t like leaving him alone for two hours! There’s no one to take care of him if I go alone.

I hate seeing him in pain. He hates that he can’t help me. We are so close to answers. We’ve been in limbo too long.

Disheartened; Not Depressed

We are now approaching March 2019. This year has not been kind thus far.

Good news first: Sister’s surgery went well. She and youngest sis are dropping weight and are ever closer to their goals. Niece’s appointment has been moved up a bit, so hopefully some answers will be revealed soon. Brother’s radiation scheduled about a month from now (his choice).

Husband seemed better six months ago. We are nearly into eighteen months of his pain and now lack of strength. Showers/baths are scary. We will look into redoing the bathroom with a walk-in tub and shower. We’re not getting any younger.

Physical therapy begins Tuesday. We don’t know what’s going on, but we can work on range of motion and gait training. After standing 10 minutes, his body wants to collapse. He’s one internet search away from being a hypochondriac. This could be a slipped disc for all we know. The symptoms match up, but it will be PT for now and see how that helps.

I miss going to church every week, but I can listen to the sermons online. It’s not the same, but it helps.

So, I am disheartened that I can’t help my husband nor visit my family as soon as I would like. I know it’s not depression. I’ve been there and it was not pretty. This is a “normal” reaction to my life as it is right now. I love my husband so much! I can’t help him.

My Family is Losing It!

We’re weird and we lost it years ago, but in a good way.

In this case, I want to tout the accomplishments of my siblings and my son. They are all on a popular weight loss plan or lighter version of it and have done very well in the last six months. I am very very proud of them.

I’ve not seen them in six months and am looking forward to my next visit. I know how difficult it is. I was nearly at goal weight when my Pop got sick. We were constantly back and forth to the hospital or rehab. It’s my fault, but I fell back into the fast food habit. I’ve regained all but fifty pounds.

Maybe this summer I can be more active. In September I’ll be eligible for Silver Sneakers. If hubby is better by then, we can join together and be more active. My hope when I moved here was to walk more. I thought I could walk one mile to Dunkin and get some coffee. Never happened.

I did park in one area in town this afternoon and walked to most of the stores on my list. I finally had to drive to the grocery store which was the last stop. I was sore afterward but at least I was moving.

Maybe I can make small changes until winter is over. My family has inspired me to get with it. If I only lose 30 pounds, that’s tremendous progress!

It’s more important than ever to get some of this weight off. I’m retired and my health would be greatly improved by dropping a few pounds.

Here’s to better health!

I Need A Hug

What a month or year.

One of my sisters is experiencing a health issue and I want to be physically there to help her and Mom. Brother has his own health issue but is being monitored for now.

My dear husband is about to undergo diagnostic testing. Health problems we attributed to one particular illness is not what is causing his symptoms of more than one year. X-rays and ultrasound after Christmas may give us a better idea of what has been causing his pain and weakness.

This is difficult in many ways. I don’t feel I can leave my husband for more than a few days even though he says to fly down if I need to. He sees the conflict.

I am “run down” as we always said in the South. I’ve been doing the bulk of the work for a year. Hubby tries to at least cook, get the mail and help me with groceries. Grocery days are so taxing for him it takes two or three days for him to recover.

I think I just need a good cry for now. I do pray often.

I get some comic relief from our 15 year old cat. He tries to tell us when it’s time for us to go to bed. If I let him outside, he climbs atop the window air conditioner when he wants to come back in. He also loves this time of year because, you know, BOXES!! Thank you, Mr. Mats.

Today’s post is a coping mechanism for me. I need to let it out. Thanks for reading. If you’re going through difficulties right now, know you aren’t alone.

In the Wilderness

Our pastor touched on having wildernesses throughout our lives. I’ve had quite a few. Sometimes it’s my personal wilderness and other times I’m on the outside looking in while someone I love goes through their own.

My first major wilderness was when my first husband died. We were living 1100 miles from family when he contracted bacterial meningitis. Our son was 11 years old and hubby died a few days later. I was lost but had a young son to raise. By not feeling the grief (to protect my son), I fell into depression and anger which lasted 17 years. I finally had to reach out for serious help because I gave up on life. Things turned around a few months later and I was happy again for the first time in many years.

Other trials were when my Pop died after being sick for two years but with no diagnosis until near the end of his life. A few months later, my then boyfriend told me he had cancer. He’s now six years cancer free.

Currently, several family members are sick. Two siblings are ill and both are easily treatable. My young niece is going through her own wilderness with her health as is her entire family. Hubby has been in chronic pain for a year. I am “run down”.

Life is never easy. The thing with wildernesses is they are finite. This too shall pass…maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass. (I’ve not found an author to credit for this).

I am a woman of faith, yet all these things happening so close together sure test that faith. It reminds me God is still in control and that I never was. If life was easy, I would probably always rely on my own strength.

Wildernesses will come and go, but you don’t have to go through them alone. Reach out to someone you trust. If you believe in prayer, pray and have others pray for you. In my experiences throughout my many years of life, I find there’s always sunshine just around the corner. Always.